I'm sure you don't live here....
by Vicky Ishida
Summary: PG 13 for drunk Hobbits. This is just a piece of madness that I came up with when running a bath, but unfortuntley, ff. net doesn't have a weirdness genre... Still, it's pretty funny, read and tell me what ya think


I'm sure you don't live here....

Note:

Ok, a totally ridiculous idea that I came up with whilst running a bath (you'll understand later), but I can safely say I don't own any of the characters, I've just borrowed them from a very great man.

If people like this, I'll continue, but your gonna need to tell me you like it....

I woke up this morning. Not very interesting really, but it became imediatley more interesting when I discovered that I seemed to be in bed with, well this very tall man. If I'd had any idea who he was and if he hadn't been wearing a traveling cloak and boots (in bed, in MY bed) then I might have been quite pleased, but, boots, in bed? I don't think so.

Excuse me, uhmmm, excuse me.... I tried the gentle approach: probabally best when wakeing up unknown men who are asleep in your bed. But it didn't work, WAKE UP!

That worked. It also had a very bad effect. You see, the gentle approach is always best when wakeing up strange men carrying extremley long swords.

Who are you? he asked, pinning me against my wall with the knife, sword thingy, And what are you doing in my.... he paused and looked around for a moment, as though suddenly aware of his surroundings.

Thankfully he also let go of my throat and I slipped to the ground, creeping towards the door and leaving him to his own devices. He seemd quite interested in my flute and appeared to be comparing it to some large, horn, that I had also neglected to notice, haning from his waist.

In the mean time I began to make my way downstairs, passing a small patrol of strange lumpy creatures carrying banners marked:

LESS WORK FOR ORCS

DOWN WITH SAURON

and, I thought this one was interesting

LESS WORK MORE DEAD THINGS

I didn't bother to stop and ask who they were, or why they'd chosen my stair case to hold a campaign on becuase I'd just heard dangerous noises from the kitchen.....

I pushed the kitchen door open, beging to be fearfull of what I might find, and was justifiabley upset when I discovered one of my cats pinned down by about six small, bearded figures. One of them was waveing a hammer around with some intent and I was quick to interupt.

Excuse me! I grasped the cat to my bosom and rather nervously asked what they thought they were doing.

A couple of them sneered at me but one seemed ready to explain and indicated the cat:

he said, Dwarves brekfast. gently I opened the kitchen window and let the cat go. It wandered off to a flower border and was kidnapped, although I wasn't currently aware of this, Well, maybe you'd all like toasted chesse sandwhichs for brekfast? I suggested, indicating the sandwhich maker on a near by counter surface.

The Dwarves took a step forward and began to examine the piece of machinery with interest.

As they seemed, for the moment occupied, I dashed into the bathroom to begin running some water and thought I heard a breif hissing noise as somehing dashed behind the toilet. After I second I was sure I was mistaken.

When I stepped back out the Dwarves seemed to have begun the dissasembly of my toasted sandwhich maker, but I left them some cheese and bread, thinking maybe they would get the idea in the end.

I stepped back into the bathroom and breathed a sigh of relief. Surley nothing could find me in here?

Excussssse me, a voice hissed and I turnned to discover that a slimey green creature was leaning over my lovely hot bath with a bottle of bubble mixture in its revolting hand, Gollum wassss jussst about to take a bath....Oh I see, carefully I reached for the door latch and the last I saw was the creature plop down into the bubbles with a contented sigh.

At least something was haveing a good morning.

As a bath was out of the question I stepped back into the kitchen and found that the Dwarves had been joined by two, slightly swaying, small figures with curly heads and no shoes. On seeing me both of them grinned and began to introduce themselves, although I noticed a distinct slur in both voices.

Meryy, hic...And Pippin at, hic up, your service.

I nodded and tried to make my way around them, but one of them side tracked me.

I say, have you got any more of this stuff, he held up an empty beer can without a hicup and looked quite serious.

How much have you had? I asked.

Just one, hic, honest.Hmmmmm. There's more in the fridge, I pointed at the glowing white object in the corner and both seemed swept away.

Oh mighty hic fridge, were the last words I heard, ended by a hic up of course.

I made my way through into the living room and, of course, found two more complete strangers seated there. One of them was completly intent on an interview about womans rights on morning tv whilst the other was holding the phone to her ear whilst looking impatient.

They seemed oblivious to my prescence for the minute.

the one on the phone began but Eowyn' held up a finger. The other waited for a minute, but finally grew impatient, Aragorn won't pick up! Why won't he pick up? suddenly she noticed me standing, disbelieving, by the door, Oh, who are you? she asked.

Arwen, you should watch this, interrupted the girl glued to the tv set on the floor, It's fascinating!No thanks, she laughed from the sofa, I'd rather not have a soap opera obssesion.It's not an obssesion, it's....

Both seemed quite happy and I turnned to leave, decideing that maybe the garden would offer relief from the madness. Besides, I'd left my mobile in the car.

When I stepped outside, clad only in dressing gown and pyjamas, I realised how cold it was. The car windows were covered in ice and I could my mobile phone ringing inside. Quickly I unlocked the drivers side and discovered that, yet another man, was huddled up inside. He was sitting on the far side in the passengers seat, his big brown eyes huge and his brown hair towseled.

Is she comming? he whispered nervously glanceing over his shoulders Is Arwen comming?No, she's inside, I told him, begining to get used to this, Are you, by any chance Aragorn?How do you know that? he looked suspicious and leaned forward, grabbing onto the car door handle from inside, That, that woman...I tell you, never get married, never...the things she tells her friends about me....What did she tell you?Nothing, I'm just here to collect my....I think you better go now, he shut the car door and I heard the inside lock slip down. He let the window down a bit and said through the gap, Don't tell her I'm here. By the way, I think the elves have kidnapped your cat.


End file.
